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<title>Fear. Doubt. It's all so stupid. FUCK IT. by Unique_Username_7</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25532308">Fear. Doubt. It's all so stupid. FUCK IT.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unique_Username_7/pseuds/Unique_Username_7'>Unique_Username_7</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Letters in the Rivine, anime - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:34:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>845</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25532308</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unique_Username_7/pseuds/Unique_Username_7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Moving past self-doubt.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Fear. Doubt. It's all so stupid. FUCK IT.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>UUUUUUUGH. I fucking sick of this crap. I’m laying down in bed all day over the summer, and I feel like I’m going to die alone without doing any of the things I wanted to. Everyone’s better than me, and I hate myself because of it, AND partially to try and keep myself from hating them for being better than me, I constantly demean myself and admire all of the positive qualities of their work. Hey, at least I appreciate their work more now than ever before, but all that other stuff is total crap, so I shouldn’t be doing it right. Yet, I still fall prey to my own stagnation. I just need to move forward, right? Why the fuck is it not working? Why the fuck am I not even moving? I’m barely even fucking trying! What am I doing?! I hate myself so much. I hate myself! Maybe that’s the problem, though. I blame myself for everything and hate myself for everything, so I can’t even believe in myself enough to have the confidence to actually improve myself, causing me to hate myself even more. AND THE CYCLE CONTINUES. Shame, guilt, self-hatred. WHAT THE FUCK’S THE POINT OF IT ALL IF IT ONLY KEEPS PERPETUATING ME TO FUCK MY OWN LIFE UP?! WHAT GOOD CAN COME OF THIS?!… *sighing loudly*... *screaming loudly* You know what. Fuck it! Fuck guilt! Fuck shame! Fuck hate! It’s not productive! There’s a way to self-reflect without repeating to yourself how much you deserve to suffer. That’s not to say I haven’t made mistakes. That’s not to say that I don’t deserve to suffer for those mistakes. I’m just saying that it’s not productive. I’ll take a good long look at myself in the mirror and think about what I see in the reflection for weeks on end, but it’s ultimately not going to change anything in the physical world. It’s ultimately the actions which will determine the flow of life. No matter how impossible my goals may seem, I will at least give a shot at achieving them. If I fail, if I end up messing up, if I end up making mistakes, I’ll learn from them and keep moving forward until I get better. I can’t half-ass this anymore. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my favorite YouTubers, the ones who’ve made some legitimately awe-inspiring work that’s stoked so much of my hope for myself and the future, it’s that I CAN DO what only looks improbable. Instead of laying around mulling over how likely I am to fuck up, I now would rather fuck up and just learn from that instead. I’ve felt so much pain just from sitting dormant for all this time that I’d probably feel less overall pain if I tried moving forward only to embarrass myself and fuck up. Even if I somehow felt more pain, I’m likely to feel more satisfied than I do right now. I’d feel more satisfied knowing that I’m moving somewhere than when I’m laying still, as if I were already dead. In fact, it’s hardly any different from death. They both are ultimately defined by the lack of possibilities, you are just transfixed in having nothing left. On the verge of literal and metaphorical death for the better part of the past half decade now, I realize now that the only way to move anywhere is with confidence that there’s at least the possibility that I can become the person I want to be one day. It’ll take a long way and a lot of baby steps, and instead of being obsessed with thinking that I should do things perfectly in one shot, I’ll appreciate every step along the way, knowing the pointless stupidity of being practically dead. So I’ll love myself. The more I reject myself, the more I lack confidence in moving forward, resigning myself to half-assing everything because that’s who I feel I am. Instead I’ll move forward in the confidence that I have the capability to conquer any challenge in the path towards my ideal self, and even if I fail despite that, I’ll take the knowledge of how and why I failed with me for every new attempt I make to better myself. What “better” means is ultimately for me to decide, but I’ll listen to what others think of me and my self-defined mission and learn from their perspectives as well. I’m only one person, shouting their message through every channel they can find to platform it. Lending my ears to the alternate perspectives of friends, family, other artists, and other people in general is what led me to this conclusion in the first place, so I’ll continue to listen in for how to further course correct my life. That’s an invitation for judgement as well. What’s your perspective on me? Honest thoughts are appreciated. Don’t be afraid at all of upsetting me, as I’m willing to accept that reaction from myself if it means more potential insight into whether this attempt at self-examination was a success.</p>
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